Teddy Roosevelt was the greatest. When some low-born hooligan called him four-eyes and demanded that he buy him a drink, Teddy slapped the revolver out of his hand before proceeding to beat the everloving snot out of him.
When his little boat was stolen from his ranch, Teddy didn’t chalk it up to misfortune. He took his men on a grueling three day expedition down the frozen Little Missouri to apprehend the thieves at gunpoint. He wound up befriending them before throwing them in the hoosgow.
As New York City Police Commissioner, Teddy wouldn’t have his men slacking on the job. A cop sleeping on his beat who awoke to the glint of the Knickerbocker’s great teeth was in for a vicious tonguelashing. New Yorkers soon spoke of Teddy like some fastidious urban Cheshire Cat.
As Teddy and his Rough Riders advanced toward Kettle Hill, and the terrible Mauser bullets sang out “z-z-z-z-eu” overhead, the colonel did not balk. “Are you afraid to stand up when I am riding on horseback?” he asked any man too afraid to advance.
As president Teddy would go skinny dipping in the Potomac, lose sight in his left eye while sparring with an artillery captain, and eat up to 12 eggs for breakfast. We believe he did something involving Panama as well, but the Van Halen song offers only spotty details.
Did Teddy ever ride a moose in real life? No, but he certainly could have if he wanted to.
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