True Conservative Pundit
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True Conservative Pundit Collection
“Good evening. I’m Lisa Kaulbach-Pringle, and you’re watching No Bias Here, No Siree on CNN. Tonight I’m sitting down for a rational conversation with a very special guest: the person who is currently reading this sentence (i.e. you). Thanks for joining the show, Dan Smith (assuming that is your name).”
“Thanks for having me,” you cooly respond. You are unaware that a chyron reading “Dan Smith: hatemonger, probably tortures puppies” appears on screen whenever the camera switches over to you.
“Dan, I’m under the impression that you aren’t mentally challenged. Why, then, do you believe that the United States hasn’t become a glorious, shining light of the free world under Democrat leadership? Do you just hate democracy?”
“Well, Lisa, there are several reasons why I believe our country can do better. First of all, inflation and rising mortgage rates are forcing more and more Americans to forfeit their dreams of homeownership. I believe we could fix that problem if the Federal Reser–”
“I think we’re getting off topic,” Lisa interjects. “Let’s move on. According to this piece of paper I’m reading, Donald Trump once said that we should ‘throw all Mexicans into a giant vat of boiling acid and nuke it from outer space.’ Dan, why are you a white nationalist?”
“What?” you ask, more than a little taken aback. “I am not a white nationalist. Why are you asking that?”
“Well, if history has taught us anything, it’s that all white nationalists deny being white nationalists,” Lisa responds while scratching her temple with one outstretched middle finger. “Moving on, is it also true that you want to put strychnine in school lunches and deny heart surgery to people under the age of 18?”
“...what in God’s name are you talking about?” you say. The chyron just beneath you has changed to “Dan Smith: homosexual, but not the kind you’re supposed to celebrate.”
“I’m afraid that’s all the time we have,” says Lisa. “I’d like to thank Dan Smith for appearing on No Bias Here, No Siree. We’re now tweeting out his home address along with instructions on how to make laboratory-grade anthrax at home. Goodnight.”