Edward Snowden

Quick – what’s the greatest threat to the United States government? Is it Chinese weather balloons? Russian teenagers on Facebook? Wolves? Wrong, wrong, wrong! It is the United States people, of course! Billions of Americans are plotting to overthrow their government at any given moment. They are texting the addresses of senators’ beach houses to their granddaughters. They are emailing their best guesses at the nuclear launch codes to their coworkers. They are discussing how to sneak Lyme ticks into the president’s underwear drawer during lengthy, treasonous phone calls. We have it on good authority that Doretta Spackle of Waldo, AL recently emailed a recipe for pineapple cherry dump cake to one of her friends from church. If not for the NSA, the government never would have realized that Mrs. Spackle’s email was actually a cleverly encrypted set of instructions for cultivating anthrax. She is now serving 27 consecutive life sentences at ADX Florence. Those are only some of the reasons why it is vitally important for the government to spy on each and every one of its own citizens. Unfortunately, some people don’t realize this. Take Edward Snowden, for example – a contractor who leaked highly classified information from the NSA that revealed the government’s numerous global surveillance programs. Journalists got involved. Words like “illegal,” “unethical” and “Orwellian” started getting thrown around all willy-nilly. Some enemies of America actually lauded Snowden as a hero! Can you imagine? Thank God our fearless bureaucrats chased Snowden away from the Land of the Free so they could safely resume their war on freedom. If you’re proud of their efforts, please nod your head and give a big thumbs up to your webcam right now. The NSA will genuinely appreciate the gesture!