Dr. Jordan Peterson Bottle
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The year was 2016. The nation of Canada was on the verge of passing The Act to amend the Canadian Human Rights Act and the Criminal Code, which would punish Canadians for using gendered pronouns by condemning them to backbreaking forced labor in the maple syrup mines.
Most Canadians were too busy watching Trailer Park Boys reruns to pay any notice to this assault on their rights – but not Dr. Jordan Peterson. Upon hearing of his government’s tyranny, the clinical psychologist and University of Toronto professor stamped out his Du Maurier, chugged his last can of Labatt Blue, and embarked on the long, dangerous snowmobile trip to Parliament Hill where he could publicly oppress transgendered children.
Everyone loved that act of selfless heroism. Dr. Peterson proceeded to use his newfound fame for good: telling young men to clean their rooms, teaching us that our brains are identical to those of lobsters, and totally owning feminists by pointing out that they wouldn’t be so angry all the time if they just had sex with him. Dr. Peterson even convinced Sam Harris to admit God exists by threatening to throw him off the roof of the CN Tower.
Today Dr. Peterson works at The Daily Wire, which puts him in good company with Ben “Truth Bomb” Shapiro, Matt “The Walrus” Walsh, and Candace “Nickname Pending” Owens.