Tucker Carlson Hat
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My name is Mx. Felicia Freeman-Hadid-Blutarsky. I’m a professor of women’s studies at Barnard College, and my pronouns are indecipherable without the aid of a Turing machine. I’ve recently published a new book titled Men: Worse Than Hitler?, which presents a rational argument in favor of grinding all men into a fine paste that will be used to lubricate the wheels on plus-sized POCs’ Rascal™ mobility scooters.
I’ve been promoting my book on all the mainstream news outlets: NPR, PBS, The Village Voice, People's World, and Trader Joe’s Fearless Flyer. I was apprehensive about appearing on Fox News, which I understand is run by people who are too racist to join the Ku Klux Klan, but felt reassured when I saw a photo of the … man … who would interview me. He wears a bow tie just like Louis Farrakhan, so I figured he couldn’t be that bad.
I thought the interview was going great. But halfway through explaining why NASA should build a rocket ship large enough to contain all men and then shoot it into the sun, that man asked me a question I had never heard before: “Why?” He then made this inscrutable expression – eyebrows lowered, mouth slightly agape – and for the first time in my life I questioned my beliefs. It was the worst thing I have ever experienced – even worse than when I attended the premiere of An Inconvenient Truth while I was tripping on mushrooms.
I’m here to tell you not to buy Tucker Carlson merchandise. If you do, then so help me Goddess, I will get so triggered that you will never hear the end of it.